Truth-Telling Time

Here are some photos from January--at home and on our trip to Denver. We thoroughly enjoyed the time we spent there with all our family and friends. Anika, our big "two half" year old particularly enjoyed her grandparents. Mama and Dada enjoyed all the extra hands.





And Avery is, well, Avery. To be honest, in spite of all the wonderful moments and beautiful smiles we've shared, the past few weeks have been completely exhausting, exasperating, and frequently just awful. I feel terrible admitting it, but after ten weeks together, we still have not developed a fondness for Avery that is on par with our feelings for her sister.

I cried all the way home from my our Baby & Me yoga class this morning, and expect I'll continue crying off and on all day. Last time I attended (four weeks ago) Avery woke during class at 10:30am and then basically cried until midnight with the exception of two hours around dinner time. Andrew had to work overnight that night, so I was alone dealing with her and Anika (who luckily got to be in preschool for the first six hours of the ordeal). I wanted to cry then, before that whole scene began, because all the other moms seemed so much happier and attached to their babies.

And then today, when Avery awoke during the middle of yoga class and started in crying, I nearly burst into tears in front of all those happy women and their placid little babies and tried to leave. The yoga teacher convinced me to stay and then held Avery (who was inconsolable, of course) during most of the remainder of the class. At the very end, I managed to nurse her to sleep (which was a minor miracle), and then had to leave feeling completely embarrassed because it looked as though I'd made a scene over a baby who was merely hungry.

But it's so much more than that. We've tried everything. Although there are times when she's totally reasonable, she still cries for hours upon hours most days. And I can't even articulate how helpless it makes me--us--feel.

At this point, I can only hope that what's bothering her is colic because that means there is an end in sight. And in the meantime, I will cling to images such as these with the desperate hope that they hold a truth I struggle to see in animate life.